Death's New Tv Show
by XinyxOSD
Summary: What if there was someone in the shadows watching Harry from the start? Why? Because even Death gets bored of paperwork. The Harry Potter story told from a cynical , sarcastic and pessimistic Death's POV. Watch as Death and Harry take the Wizarding World by a mischief and mayhem. Full Summary inside.
1. Prologue: All Went A Little Like This

**A/N **: Hello! :} Thank you for taking the timeout to read my story. I really appreciate it.

**Summary: **What if there was someone in the shadows watching Harry from the start? Why? Because even Death gets bored of paperwork. The Harry Potter story told from a cynical , sarcastic and pessimistic Death's POV. When a five year old Harry Potter meets a weird man by the name of Joe while the Dursleys are away visiting Marge, someone had clearly forgotten to explain the concept of "stranger danger" to the poor boy. Because not only does Joe turn out to be Death but he's bored and has decided to make Harry's life his new TV show. As it turns out, Harry is a wizard and a very important one at that. Apparently he is _"The-Boy-Who-Lived"._ Joe informs him of the prophecy about himself and Voldemort and the manipulations of one Albus Dumbledore. What ensues is a series of hilarious events as Joe and Harry completes the prophecy and defeats Voldemort and Dumbledore while causing mischief and mayhem along the way. Well one thing's for sure, after this is over, there sure as hell not an encore.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. All credit goes to J.K Rowling.**

" Yellow for B" - Regular speech

**~No it's not you moron~** Mental Speech

" **Yeah it's B for Boobs " - Death Speech**

**On with the show!**

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**Prologue: Well it all went a little like this**

_**Tap... Tap... Tap... Tap... Tap...**_

_**Tap... Tap... Tap... Tap... Tap...**_

_**Tap... Tap- **_WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF BRAT?!

Harry chuckled moving away from the window. Joe was so fun to annoy.

"What is it Harry?" asked Hermoine looking at him in confusion. Harry glanced over at Joe who was silently staring out the compartment window in annoyance.

"Nothing Hermoine. Just thinking about all that has happened this year." Joe snorted looking amused. For someone whom many feared, Death was very bipolar. Perhaps immortals had some sort of man period, that certainly would explain Voldemort.

"Yes, I guess you're right. It has been an interesting first year. Although, did you really have to do that at the ending feast?" Oh god not this again.

"Hermoine I couldn't let Malfoy or Weasley get away with what they did"

"I know, but Snape didn't really do anything wrong." At this even Joe turned and looked at her in disbelief.

" **Is she joking?! Snivellous deserved what we did and more! I still say we should have thrown him to the bottom of the lake and fed him to Gregory."** Harry couldn't help but agree with Joe. Snape deserved it, hell he was just begging for it.

**~True but I don't think even Greg would have found him appetizing~**

" **Yeah, he probably tastes like the ball of grease and slim that he is."** said Joe looking as though he has smelt something foul.

"Hermoine trust me when I say Snape most definitely deserved it." Harry said chuckling at Joe's observation. His best friend simply huffed and went back to reading her copy of Hogwarts : A History.

" **Ready to go back to the barn?" **Joe asked referring to the Dursleys.

**~ I don't think a whale counts as a barnyard animal. But anyways as long as they leave me alone until September then I'll be fine.~**

" **Hey at least you can practice magic during summer. Then we can ditch the Dursleys and stay at the Leaky Cauldron"**

**~ I suppose~ **

They both fell into a comfortable silence after that. Hermoine was completely engrossed in her book and Harry began to think about his first year, which led him to think about what it would have been like without having his immortal sidekick by his side.

You see my dear friends, Joe is also known as Death. How Death got such a stupid name was beyond him but he has truly helped - if not been a pain in the arse - since his appearance in Harry's life.

Life had changed upon Joe's arrival and for the better. During the year all the amazing pranks they had pulled,especially on the weasel, the grease-ball and the ferret. How funny classes were because of Joe's comments that only Harry could hear. And of course they're greatest prank – making his relatives seem like nut jobs, especially after what they dubbed " _the incident". _

Oh dear! You seem a tad bit confused...Of course you weren't there!

You totally should have been because it was a moment for the record books. The Dursleys looked so foolish trying to blame him for a lot of things : the ice cream, the dogs, painting the walls orange over night, crashing the car, throwing Dudley of – hahaha good times. Of course, of course! Any who..

**Well it all went a little like this...**

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**AN: Do you like it? Yes? No? Let me know**

**Read and Review 3 XinyxOSD**


	2. Meet Joe

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**On with the show!**

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**Chapter 1: Meet Joe**

It was a distinctively normal day in Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. The autumn wind was blowing – the first signs of the coming winter through the still colourful leaves of the trees. Only the evergreens seemed to stand against the coldest season and felt as if they were bristling with life. It was sunny and that itself was very surprising. The sky was of a wonderful blue and there were still the voices of many little birds singing their hail to the warm sun.

But then again there had been nothing resembling the normalcy in the last few days. That is, if one knew what to look for. The colours of the leaves were just a tab bit too bright and the wind blew a little too softly. The sky was just too blue for autumn. There were too many birds singing with voices too beautiful to be true. But none thought of it, they enjoyed the beautiful yet unusual weather of this late autumn.

Ah, but there was one. For in 4 Privet Drive, in the cupboard underneath the stairs, was but a young boy. The boy looked to be but 5 years old. But why would he be by himself? You would think that his relatives would have simply placed him in an orphanage if they had no space.. Au contraire, they downright despised the boy, but had promised a very powerful and manipulative old goat to care for him or suffer the consequences. So they took him in. That didn't mean they took care of him. Oh no, they made him cook, clean, tend to the garden and beat him if he showed any freakishness. Freak that was his name, or so he thinks. You see my dear friends, this boy is very special. He is Harry Potter, the famed Boy- who- lived and he is a wizard.

Currently, Harry was dying of starvation because his horrible relatives had left him to go visit Marge. But had left him no food. Harry Potter, the sole survivor of the killing curse, had died from starvation.

Outside 4 Privet Drive stood a very shady figure. Dressed in a black cloak and a hood covering their face and shielding them from the sun, the figure made their way to front door. Oddly enough, no one noticed. This person is Death and he was not the least bit happy.

"Unbelievable, out of all the people to die!" Death grumbled. " Now I have to listen to Fate bitch and moan for the next millennium." Sighing he makes his way into the kitchen. " Damn that old goat! Greater good my ass" Pausing, he rummages threw the cabinets. "Hm, these people got anything to eat in here? What the hell am I saying?! Of course there is, with them fat asses. They most likely have enough food to feed a humpback whale." He removes a bag of Cheetos from the cabinet."Hey! Cheetos, don't mind if I do."moving to the living room, Death plops himself on the sofa and starts flipping threw the TV channels " Well might as well have a snack before I grab the kid's soul and head back to the paperwork." He shudders – paperwork-. While our dear friend munches on some Cheetos, Harry awakens as if he had never died.

'What happened? Why does my scar hurt' thinks Harry rubbing his - ' Hey! Where did my scar go?' Harry remembers his previous hunger but remembers that he was locked in. He wished the door was open so he could get some food.

Suddenly, the door to the cupboard opens, as if by magic but Harry knew that their was no such thing as magic, as his uncle had told him many times. Unquestioningly Harry exited his cupboard in search of some food. As he made his way to the kitchen, Harry hears something.

" GO! Yes! Go! Throw it! Throw it you idiot! YES! Now Run! Run Run! YES! YES! Gogogogogo! TOUCHDOWN!" Harry enters the living room and the sight before him was very confusing yet very funny.

"Oh yeah! Uh huh uh huh! Can't touch this! Da na na nah Dana Dana! Can't touch this! Stop! Hammer time!" The strange man started dancing **(AN: Picture the Carlton Dance). "** Yoot! Yoot!" the man was now throwing Cheetos in the air." Yeah! That's right! We rule! Can't touch this! Da na na -" the man seemed to have finally noticed Harry. He was just standing there staring at him with wide eyes now.

Blink.

**Blink.**

Blink

**Blink.**

"Err..kid? Aren't you suppose to be dead?"

Blink.

Blink.

"Um I don't think so,Sir."

**Blink.**

**Blink**

"Um..Okay then. The names Joe"

Blink.

"I don't have a name. My uncle just calls me Freak or Boy."

The newly introduced "Joe" eyes narrowed when Harry told him this.

" Kid your name is Harry James Potter, not freak or boy. Hows about you come sit down and let me explain everything to you." Joe says motioning to the sofa. Harry walks over and sits beside him.

"Okay. So basically your name is Harry Potter and you are a wizard. Yes I know, _magic isn't real_ but it is. You Harry, are very important in the wizarding world – yes there is a whole world with wizards-. Now in the wizarding world, there are many types of people and animals. Purebloods are wizards with two pureblood parents, A Halfblood is a wizard with only one pureblood parent and A Muggleborn is a wizard with non magical parents. You are a Halfblood."

"Wait so you knew my parents? Are you a drunk and a harlot too?" asked Harry innocently, unaware of the anger his question caused.

"No! You're parents were neither of those things Harry. You're Dad was an Auror which is like a magical policemen. You're mom was a charms master. They died when you were one. They were murdered by the Dark Lord by the name or Voldemort but people call him "You-Know-Who" or "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named"

"Why do they call him that?" asked Harry.

"Because humans magical or not are all morons" deadpanned Joe. " Anyways the reason he tried to kill you is because of a prophecy."

"A prophecy? What's that?"

"A prophecy is like telling the future or destiny of something or someone. The Prophecy states : "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies ..." . Crunch Crunch. Joe pauses as Harry munches on the Cheetos as if watching a movie. " Anyways, only you and another child fit the description so the dark lord went after you. Your parents went into hiding with you but were eventually found and killed. However when the dark lord tried to kill you, the curse rebounded and unfortunately didn't kill him but banished his soul from his body. They say you got your scar from the...curse?...Kid where the hell is your scar?"

"I don't know Joe. I woke up and my head was hurting and it was gone." Joe looked thoughtful

'Hmm..so that's why he didn't die. Well that's one less horcux to deal with.'

"Yeah okay. So an old goat by the name of Albus Dumbedore brought you here and-"

" Wait! A magical goat brought me here?! Cool! Although why here? Couldn't it had brought me to a magical candy land where trees are made of candy cane, the ground is actually chocolate cake,clouds of cotton candy, snow of whipped cream and I live on gumdrop lane." Harry was by now crying anime tears. Joe just sweat drops at the kids theatrics. Joe's head started to grow very large and a tic mark appeared on his forehead.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT ,YOU IDIOT!" **(AN: What up Naruto Reference) **Poor Harry was almost blown away by the force of Joe's Big head no jutsu. "Albus Dumbledore is the leader of the light side who fought against Voldemort. He brought you here so that when you enter the wizarding world when you're eleven, you would see him as your savior when truly he raised you to be his loyal weapon. He also has been stealing money from the money your parents left you."

Harry fumed 'He left me here with the Dursleys.'

"Oh yeah! Did I mention you're famous in the wizard world for defeating Voldemort?"

"No, you didn't. Besides how could a one year old defeat the dark lord Voldymort? That's stupid. I'm beginning to think these wizards are off their bonkers." said Harry pouring himself some water.

"You and me both kid." shrugged Joe.

"How do you know all this anyways? Are you a wizard too?" asked Harry before taking a sip of water.

"Oh me? I'm Death." bluntly stated Joe once again flipping threw the TV channels. Nothing good was on.

*SPPPPEEESCHCHH* Harry spat out the water coughing lightly.

"You're...Death?"Harry said before promptly fainting.

"Humans are so weird." scoffed Joe staring at Harry's limp form. " I wonder if there's anymore Cheetos left."

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**AN: And there you have it!. Now I know Harry seems a bit mature for a 6 year old but this is fanfiction it's not suppose to make sense . But besides that how about you review and tell what you think :).**

**P.S: IF YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED DEATH IS A TOTAL CHEETOS JUNKIE**

**One Love XinyxOSD **

**Peace!**


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